What to Say When You Can't Attend a Funeral: 25 Thoughtful Messages

You reach a new level of guilt when you have to let a grieving loved one know that you can't attend a funeral. From travel restrictions to important appointments, there are many valid reasons you may not be able to make it. Show your bereaved loved ones that you care with these supportive sorry messages for not attending a funeral. 

Polite Things to Say When You Can't Attend a Funeral

Chances are high that there's going to be at least one funeral you can't make it to. It can be tough threading the needle between being honest and sensitive. Don't focus on why you can't go to the funeral. Instead, craft a message that's sincere, accurate, and ends with something positive or a promise of a different supportive gesture. 

Not sure where to start? Try one of these messages on for size. 

• "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about [deceased's] passing. I'm not able to come to the funeral, but I'd like to stop by next week to help take care of the lawn for you."
• "I'm so sorry about [the deceased]. She was an incredible person and such a fine educator. I can't make it to the funeral, but I'd love to donate some books to the school library in her honor."
• "[Friend's name], I heard about your dad's passing. I wish I could attend the funeral, but I can't. Would it be okay if I sent some flowers for the service?"
• "I'm so sorry [friend's name], but it looks like I won't be able to make it out for the funeral." 
• "Hi [friend's name], I tried to get the time off from work for the funeral but no one will cover my shift. I'd like to stop by the day before to spend some time with you if that's alright?"
• "I wanted to call to let you know how sorry I am to hear about [deceased's] passing. They were incredible, and we'll really miss their infectious laugh. I'm afraid I won't be able to attend the funeral, but I'll be stopping by next week to see if I can help you with the lawn or anything else."
• "I was so sorry to hear about your mom, and I wanted to call to tell you I wish I could attend the funeral. I'll be sending flowers, but I just want to make sure you know I'm thinking about you during this time."
• "I wish I could be there on Tuesday as you celebrate [deceased's] life. They were such an exceptional human being and a dear friend. I'm going to miss them terribly."

Ways to Apologetically Decline a Funeral Invitation by Text 

While texting someone who's grieving is perfectly fine, you should try to follow up with a more substantial gesture. Plan to send a bouquet, a card, a gift card to a meal delivery service, or something practical in lieu of being able to attend the funeral.

These are some things you can text to show that you care, even if you can't attend the funeral:

• "I was so sorry to hear about your sister. I can't come to the funeral, but I'll be holding you close in my thoughts on Saturday."
• "I just heard about your aunt. I'm afraid I can't make it to the service, but I'll be sending flowers. Please know I'm here if you need to talk."
• "I'm so sorry to hear about [deceased's] passing. I can't come to the funeral, but I'd like to make a donation in their name to the ACLU. I know social justice was such an important cause to them, and it's just a small way to honor their spirit."
• "I've heard the terrible news, and am so sorry you and your family are going through this. Unfortunately, I can't make it to the funeral, but I should be able to swing by afterward to spend some time with everyone."
• "Thank you for letting me know when the service is being held. I checked my schedule and it looks like I won't be able to make it, but the flower arrangement will be there on time" 
• "I love you so much and I hate letting you down, but I can't get off for the funeral service. I'll coordinate with [family member/spouse] to see what still needs to be arranged and hop on that in the meantime."
• "I just checked my schedule and I've got an appointment right during the funeral that I can't reschedule. But, I'll drop by early to help set things up beforehand."

Related: What to Say Instead of "I'm Sorry for Your Loss"

What to Say in a Condolence Card When You Can't Be There

A sympathy card is an important gesture, especially if you can't make it to the funeral or memorial service. As you're writing a message on the bereavement card, take some time to remember the person who has passed away. Make your note as personal and meaningful as you can and follow up with an offer to help if possible. Try not to go into detail about your own situation and your reason for missing the funeral. Focus your message on more supportive, thoughtful sentiments instead. 

These kind messages are perfect starting points for any condolence card. 

• "I remember the day I met your dad. It was at your college graduation, and he was telling everyone he met how proud he was that you went to his alma mater. I'm unable to attend the funeral, but I'd like to honor him by making a donation to a scholarship fund at the college."
• "[The deceased] was an incredible person, full of such spark and vivacity. They always told the best stories — I'll never forget the way they could spin a yarn. I can't attend the funeral, but I'm enclosing some photos of [the deceased] from our family archives. Please know I'm thinking of you and wish that I could be there."
• "I was so sorry to hear about your mom. Please know I'm thinking about you during this difficult time. I'm unable to attend the funeral, but would it be okay if I dropped off a casserole next week?
• "It just feels like yesterday I was talking to [the deceased] about how all of you were doing. It feels impossible that they're gone. And while I won't be able to make it to the funeral, I hope this card brings you a smidgeon of comfort on that difficult day." 
• "For all the words in the English language, I can't seem to put two together to fully express my sorrow over [the deceased's] passing. They were such a bright spot in my life, and you deserved to spend so many more years with them. Although I can't make it to the funeral, know that my spirit is standing right alongside you." 
• "I sat down to tell you how sorry I am that I'm not going to be able to attend the funeral, and realized just how many of these cards you've probably gotten so far. It just goes to show how loved [the deceased] was, and the supportive network they've left behind. Never forget that we're always here for anything you might need." 

How to Write an Email Declining a Funeral

Writing a condolence email is a delicate thing to do, and declining the funeral over email can be even more of a challenge. The email should be more about offering your condolences and less about your regrets for missing the funeral. Keep the part about not attending to a single line if you can.

Here's an example email to help you figure out what to say when you can't attend the funeral:

"Everyone here at Simon & Smith was terribly saddened to hear about the loss of your wife. I remember what a vivacious person she was from our holiday party. She was an excellent conversationalist and such a kind person. Although I can't attend the funeral, please know I'm thinking of you during this difficult time. Please let me know if there's anything our firm or I can do to help."

What to Say When You Missed a Funeral

If the funeral has already happened and you didn't make it in time, it's not too late to reach out! Ultimately, it matters that you say something, even if you feel a little awkward doing so. Showing you care is important, even after the fact.

Not sure what to say? These are some touching ways to offer sweet sentiments and apologize for missing the funeral. 

• "I was devastated to hear about [the deceased's] passing. They were an inspiration and such a good friend. I'm really sorry I couldn't attend the funeral. Please know I'm thinking about you and your family during this difficult time."
• "I'm so sorry I missed the funeral for [the deceased]. They were a strong woman and a wonderful example of resilience and joy. I know this is a hard time for your whole family, and I'd like to honor their memory with a donation to hospice."
• "I know it's been a few weeks since [the deceased] passed away, and I'm really sorry I didn't attend the funeral. Your family is so important to me, and I'm honored to have been close to [the deceased] growing up. Please know I'm thinking of you."
• "Your mother was an amazing person, and I feel lucky to have known her. I'm so sorry I couldn't attend the service you had. I heard it was a beautiful tribute. I'm enclosing some homemade jam that I made using your mom's recipe. There's so much I've learned from her. I'm so sorry for your loss."
• "I was so upset to realize that I missed your partner's funeral. I was away at a work conference and couldn't make it back in time. Now that I'm back in town, I'd like to bring some takeout by this evening if you're feeling up to it?"

Sometimes, Life Gets in the Way 

In a perfect world, you'd be able to attend every funeral that you'd like to. Unfortunately, death is often unpredictable and life can get in the way. If it looks like you're going to miss an upcoming funeral, make sure you reach out to the grieving person/family with your condolences and try to find another way to show your support. From sending sympathy flowers to stopping by in the weeks following the funeral, there are a number of meaningful things you can do instead.