Unfortunately, you don't get to pick your siblings' spouses. If you're struggling to connect with your siblings' spouses, we have just the advice for you! Learn the best ways to get along with your siblings-in-law and the signs that it's time to set some boundaries.
How to Manage Daily Interactions With Your Spouse's Siblings
If you see your sibling(s) often, chances are that you'll spend some time with their spouse. One way to find common ground is by asking them questions about themselves.
Some good conversation starters include:
- How was your day today?
- Any plans for this weekend?
- Tell me about your work. My sibling was telling me you are a/an (career)
- What do you like to do for fun?
- (Sibling's name) tells me you like to (activity or hobby). How did you first get interested in that?
How to Handle Special Events With Your Siblings-in-Law
Holidays and other special events can be stressful, especially if you aren't sure how to deal with your in-law. If you haven't connected yet, set an obtainable goal by starting with something small.
Some placating gestures you can try include:
- Attempt to give them a genuine compliment.
- Spend a few minutes chatting with them.
- Be courteous. If you're at a party, ask if you can get them anything to eat or drink.
- If you're at a loss for what to say, remember that you both have your sibling in common. Share a funny anecdote about growing up to get the conversation going.
- When the night's over, be sure to say goodbye before you leave and note that it was nice seeing them.
How to Deal With Awkward Situations
You may have some social anxiety and feel uncomfortable around new people, or your sibling's spouse may be shy and guarded. Either way, these tips should help you interact with them:
- If you're nervous, keep conversations brief. Excuse yourself if you're overwhelmed. You can say, "It was great speaking with you, I need to head out, but I look forward to seeing you again."
- If there's an awkward silence, ask general questions about how they met your sibling, what they do for fun together, and where they are living.
- If you don't understand what they said, or a joke they made, ask about it. You can say, "I'm sorry, I must have missed something. What did you mean by (what was confusing)."
- If they have an opinion you don't agree with, be kind and open with them. Try to ask questions and understand their reasoning.
Related: Resolving Sibling Conflict in Adulthood in Healthy Ways
How to Set Boundaries With Your Siblings-in-Law
Depending on who your sibling has married, you may face inappropriate situations. Unfortunately, there are people out there who don't respect boundaries.
Your sibling's spouse may be a boundary violator if:
- They make rude and lewd comments about you or your sibling regularly.
- They physically or emotionally violate you. Examples of this include physical harm, inappropriate sexual comments or touching, and verbal abuse.
- They attempt to split you and your sibling. Splitting occurs when one person pits two other people against each other. They may do so by starting arguments between you and your sibling, which creates a rift in your relationship over time.
- They use you for emotional support and speak poorly about your sibling to you.
Maintaining a healthy relationship with anybody starts with setting appropriate boundaries.
Not sure how to approach boundary setting with your sibling-in-law? Give these methods a try:
- If the situation is safe, meaning you are not in physical or emotional danger, attempt to speak with your sibling's spouse about how you are feeling. You can say, "I felt uncomfortable when you made this comment. Going forward, please do not speak to me in that way again." Be sure to inform your sibling about the conversation so everything is transparent. Hopefully, it was just a misunderstanding and you can work on your relationship in the future.
- If your sibling's spouse puts you in physical or emotional danger, inform your sibling that you are no longer comfortable being around their partner, and briefly explain why. Make plans with just your sibling and don't enter into situations where you will be alone with their partner.
- If they attempt to split you and your sibling, don't engage in arguments. Let your sibling and their spouse know that you'll speak with them individually if they're having a problem with your behavior or something that you said.
- If they use you for emotional support, let them know that it isn't appropriate for them to talk badly about your sibling with you. Redirect them to speak with their partner to resolve the issue.
What to Do if You're in a Stalemate
If you've known your sibling's partner for some time and still don't get along, there are a few things you can try:
- Don't engage with them if they're making comments that make you feel uncomfortable. Politely excuse yourself or set some boundaries.
- If you've tried to set boundaries in the past but they still violate them, make sure you only engage with them in a group setting, or very minimally one-on-one.
- If they're abrasive or rude, try to be kind in return. It is hard for most people to continue to behave poorly when they are not getting a reaction out of their target.
- If you just don't enjoy their company, spend some time making small talk with them at the beginning of your visit when you have the most energy. Once you've hit your max, remove yourself from the situation and hang out with someone else.
- If you know that they'll be at an event or they have invited you over for dinner, make sure you bring a friend or a partner to accompany you. Sometimes this can make the visit a little more bearable.
- If you don't enjoy speaking with your sibling's partner, try to make sure that when you do spend time together you're engaging in an activity instead of a sit-down meal. This can limit conversations while still allowing you to spend time with your sibling.
Related: Dealing With an Estranged Sibling in Constructive Ways
5 Tips for Improving Your Relationship With Your Siblings-in-Law
If your sibling's spouse is safe to be around make an effort to get to know them. After all, your sibling married them for a reason.
You can work on your relationship by:
- Making an effort to do activities or hobbies with them that they enjoy.
- Treating them to lunch and asking questions to get to know them better.
- Inviting your sibling and their spouse over for dinner, making sure to cook something they both enjoy.
- Having a movie night with both of them.
- Giving them a 'welcome-to-the-family' gift.
Every Siblings-in-Law Relationship Looks Different
Building a relationship with your sibling's spouse can take a lot of work, but it may pay off in the end. While you can't control if you and your siblings-in-law mesh with you, and can learn how to navigate family functions with the least amount of drama possible. If you're lucky, you'll love your siblings-in-law just as much as your siblings do.
