My merry band of childhood friends and I have stayed thick as thieves for nearly two decades now. And while we joke about how surviving the epic highs and lows of middle school together means that we can conquer anything that comes our way, there was a time in our early 20s when that didn’t seem so certain. But as they say, love finds a way, and these are the lifesaving changes that helped our friendship bounce back.
Creating a One-Stop-Shop Group Chat
From Instagram DMs to text threads, there are so many places to split up your conversations today. Group chats are easily overshadowed by work texts and appointment reminders. Creating a single source for all of our conversations — silly or otherwise — really helped turn checking in with each other into a routine.
And having that chat outside of a daily app (GroupMe became the one for us when one of my friends spent a semester overseas), kept it from getting lost in the notification fray.
Doing a Roll Call Every Few Weeks
Wily pets, spouses, big girl jobs, and thousands of miles of distance between us make checking in all the more important. The worst thing that can happen to an old friend group is letting life get in the way.
If our chat’s been quiet for too long, one of us will hop in and ask for a roll call of everyone’s lives lately. It usually kickstarts a litany of stories about recent travels, work hijinks, and more.
The lesson here? Sometimes, you need to be the one checking in first before expecting others to check in on you.
Seeing Each Other Whenever We Can
Listen, adulthood is busy and exhausting. I love my friends dearly, but sometimes I don’t want to make time for anything other than lying in bed when they’re in town. However, part of sustaining a friendship involves sacrifice.
You don’t get to be friends for nearly 20 years by being 100% selfish. Seeing each other in person and making that time to visit when you can is vital for keeping connected. You can’t let your friendship fall through the digital cracks, no matter how tempting it might be.
Making Each Other Homemade Gifts for the Winter Holidays
Typically, I hate the winter holidays. My birthday is four days before Christmas, I have a twin brother, all of my siblings have kids (which can get pretty pricey), and it gets dark at 4 pm. I border on humbug, and I’m not ashamed of it.
But one thing I look forward to every year? Making my childhood besties homemade gifts. We get to express our creativity and show our love in a non-commercial way. And their gifts are some of the ones that have meant the most to me because of the time and effort they put into them.
Also, having gifts to give each other is a great impetus for making time to visit in person!
Spending Time When We Can, With Who You Can
Part of having an adult friend group is knowing that not everyone’s schedules will align. Canceling plans because two of your three friends couldn’t make it is a one-way ticket to a dead relationship.
There have been many occasions where I couldn’t make a group function and watched them hang from the sidelines. But if you only want to spend time together when everyone in your group’s schedules line up, you’ll be waiting for a seriously long time.
Embracing Each Other as We Grow & Evolve
It’s easy to expect others to adapt as you evolve, but it’s harder to extend the same courtesy to your friends. If I still held my friends up to the personality standards we had when we first met, they’d only be allowed to listen to emo music and wear band tees from Hot Topic.
People evolve — you evolve — and your friendships have to, too. Part of loving my friends is understanding that I might not recognize them as the people I first met, and that’s okay! Childhood them wouldn’t recognize me either.
Being Radically Honest With One Another
You know you have a lasting friendship when you transcend the pleasantries of holding back your opinion and actively giving your honest advice. It took a little time and a whole lot of growing, but my friends and I have created a space we go to for real advice — whether it’s what we want to hear or not.
It’s the ultimate gesture in love — letting me hold a mirror up to yourself and helping you face the person who’s looking back without judgment.
Related: 60+ Long-Distance Friendship Quotes for Your Unbreakable Bond
Showing Up for the Important Moments
Everyday chit-chat is necessary for keeping a large, long-distance friend group alive. But where the rubber meets the road is how you respond to the major roadblocks that life serves up.
Two of my friends lost fathers — fathers I knew and loved — in their 20s. One quite recently, and the other several years ago. Yet, it wasn’t a question of skipping class to make it to the funeral several hours away or pooling funds together to send flowers and meals in the days afterward.
There’s very little I wouldn’t do for my friends — and there’s very little they wouldn’t do for me. And that’s not a sentimental notion conjured up from the tight-knit bonds scattered across primetime sitcoms. I believe it because it’s true. Because we’ve proven that we will, time and time again.
Saying (& Showing) Our Love for Each Other
This one seems like a no-brainer, but I’ve come across my fair share of friendships where people hold back. These friends always stay surface level, and often disappear after a few years. Lasting friendships are rooted in a deep care for the people involved.
But even more important than having those feelings for other people, is feeling that love from someone else. There are so many ways to show your love, whether it’s in spending time with one another, checking in every few months, or planning annual road trips. But making your friends feel loved — and getting that love in return — is the key to staying friends for decades.
My Friends Are More Like Family
Time never feels more like an illusion than when my childhood friends and I tally up how many years we’ve known each other. It truly feels like yesterday that we were crowding around a middle school lunch table. And I suppose I’m extremely blessed to have that luxury — to have shared (and continue to share) in so many wonderful moments.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you, though. It took work. It still takes work. It’s work I’ve clocked in to for nearly 20 years, and hopefully, I’ll get to keep clocking in for 20+ more.
