Hi! I'm from the 1980s. By that, I mean I'm a Gen Xer who became an adult in the 1980s and lived my 20s in the late 1980s and early 1990s.
Every decade has its defining fashion, and boy, was I a fashion victim. From the biggest shoulder pads on the planet to teased hair that climbed as high as the sky, these are the style choices from the 80s and 90s that I regret the most.
Joey Buttafuoco Pants (a.k.a. Parachute Pants)
Whether you called them Hammer pants, parachute pants, gym pants, or Buttafuoco pants, these baggy, ugly abominations were everywhere. And I had a pair!
To be fair, I was at the gym a LOT in the 1980s, and everyone was wearing them because they were super baggy, so they fit around your bulging, muscly legs as you did squats, and you wouldn't pop your inseam.
Still, I'd like to apologize to all my gym buddies who were forced to see me in those pants, even though you were all wearing your own equally ugly versions.
Neon
Friends, it wasn't just a pop of neon here or there. I was covered in the brightest neon I could find, and I thought I was so cute.
Shoulder Pads
Sure, I'm 5'4 and 120 pounds soaking wet, but I think I'll look like a linebacker today.
Big 80s Hair
I had super thick, long hair. And a perm. Flip the head upside down, spray it with AquaNet, and off I went. What a magnificent mane.
Leg Warmers
It would be, like, totally tubular if I could tell you that, like, I only wore these at the gym. But nope. I did wear them there, but also to the movies, restaurants, the mall, on dates... Usually over my fave white leather Keds with an acid-washed denim mini skirt and a neon top with my hair jacked up to Jesus.
What a feeling! I was so Flash Dance.
Vivid Eyeshadow & Mascara
I had mascara in practically every color of the rainbow, and I was totally into that. Pair it with super vibrant eye makeup, big hair, and a body full of neon, and you could see me coming from a mile away. It was a lot. Even looking back at photos of me from those days is an assault on my eyes.
Tight & Shiny Aerobics Gear
In the most 1980s job ever, I was an aerobics instructor. Every morning at 4:30 AM (I taught a 5 AM aerobics class), I squeezed myself into the brightest, shiniest, tightest leo and tights I could find, pulled on some legwarmers and other accouterments, and headed to the gym to yell at people in a perky voice for 90 minutes. And then, because I worked at the gym and was a personal trainer who taught a second aerobics class in the evening, I wore it all day.
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A Mullet
No photos exist of me with a mullet for a reason. So what happened was that I asked for one haircut, and what I got was a mullet, or, as they called it back in the mid-1980s, a bi-level haircut. Business in the front, party in the back, and totally on trend, but gosh, it was awful. I cried. The only haircut I've ever had that was worse was when a few years ago, I went to a new hairstylist who gave me what I call "The Edna." I looked like Edna from The Incredibles. I would've preferred the mullet.
So Many Regrets
I've never really been one for regrets because you can't go back and change the past, so it feels like wasted energy to me. But when I see photos of myself in the 80s and early 90s, I definitely feel a twinge of regret.
It was a big, bold, brassy time, and I was trying to find myself through fashion. All I can say is that the decade from when I was 20 to 30 years old was a weird time in my life, and I made a ton of questionable decisions that were often as bold and as brash as my fashion.
