Historically, I've been pretty hard on myself, and I suspect I'm not alone in this. I have talked to myself in ways that I would never talk to someone else. But as I've gotten older, one of the things I've learned is that negative self-talk can become a self-fulfilling prophecy that can put us in a negative spiral rather than spurring us on to bigger and better things.
I recognized this pattern in myself several years ago, and I vowed to put a stop to it. And over the years, I've added more and more acts of self-kindness — things I would never have dreamed of (or possibly even thought of) doing for myself in the past but that have made a huge difference in my overall happiness and well-being.
So if you're kinder to complete strangers than you are to yourself, it might be time to rethink how you treat yourself. Even small, simple acts of self-love can make a huge difference in your overall quality of life, your self-esteem, your health, your success, and more. If you're ready to stop treating yourself as your biggest enemy and start cultivating self-love, try one or more of these small acts of self-kindness. Treating myself kindly has changed my life in all the best ways, and it can do the same for you.
I Started Using 'No' as a Complete Sentence
I freely admit that I'm a huge people-pleaser. It's a tendency I've been aware of for a while now, and one that I've had to work hard to (mostly) overcome. Part of my people-pleasing nature is struggling to tell people no, even when saying yes will have some kind of personal cost. And when I could muster the strength to tell someone no? I'd feel guilty and offer excuses and explanations, and could often be talked out of my no and talked into a yes. It wasn't great for my mental health or well-being.
So it was really freeing when I discovered that not only could I say no anytime I truly didn't want to do something, but I didn't owe anyone an explanation. Now, when someone asks for "just a small favor" (it's never really small, is it?), I do a couple of things. First, I don't answer right away. Instead, I actually think about it and decide if it's something I truly want to do (or have the capacity to do). If it's not, I tell them no with no further explanation or excuses. Does that make them think I'm a jerk? Maybe. But nobody has a right to my time or energy unless I freely want to give it, and I'm okay if that somehow makes them think less of me.
I Stopped Worrying About What Other People Think of Me
This goes hand-in-hand with being a people pleaser, and over the years, I've definitely thought, "What will people think of me if..." more than I want to admit. So it came as a surprise when I was pursuing that line of thought once when a voice asked me, "Is it really any of your business what other people think about you?"
Huh. I'd never thought of it that way until something inside of me asked me that question. And the answer is this: nope. None of my business what anyone thinks about me. To attempt to control someone else's opinion of me is madness because a) I can't, and b) it's exhausting and keeps me from being authentically myself. Plus, if I was trying to make someone else think well of me, it was often costly because it lowered what I thought of myself, which perpetuated the cycle of treating myself poorly.
I have a lot of conditioning to care what others think, so it still pops into my head from time to time. But the kindness I've done is to ignore that and, instead, flip the script and ask what I think of myself. And when I behave authentically, I'm good. If I'm not behaving authentically, I make another choice. It's as simple as that, and it has given me a ton of peace and quieted so much noise from my mind.
I Cultivate Presence
So much of the emotional and mental pain we suffer from comes straight from our own minds. We worry about what could happen in the future, and we stew over things that happened in the past. And these are two things we have zero control over. The past has gone. We have no way of knowing what the future has in store. But what we can control is right now. And I've come to appreciate existing in the present moment and quieting my very active mind that self-generates pain by projecting backward or forward in time.
I've found that almost always, there is peace in the present. By that, I mean being here, now, and paying attention to experience and sensory input about what's happening right now. So whether I'm washing the dishes and focusing on the feel of the warm water and the smell of the dish soap or I'm working out and noticing all the ways my body feels as it moves, I find that cultivating presence allows me to just be without all the pain that I could be causing myself with worry or regret.
I Do Stuff I Love
I lead a pretty busy life. Not only do I work full-time as an editor, but I do some freelance writing projects, I teach classes all across the country, I volunteer as a mentor, and I am an author who spends regular time promoting my books in various ways (and writing new ones). Plus, you know, all that cooking and housework stuff.
Luckily, I love my work and teaching. Even so, I still need time to give my brain and body a break, so I make sure that I do at least one thing I really love every day. From sitting and petting one of my four cats to reading a good book to listening to music to getting out in nature, I make time every single day to do something that I don't have to but that I really love to do, even if it's just for five minutes.
I Create Every Day
I believe that, at our core, all humans are creative souls. Creativity may look different for different people. Some people like to cook. Some play music. Some write. Some dance. I do a little bit of a lot of different creative things, and I make sure that I find ways to indulge my creativity outside of work every day. It's like a little break from the world, and it helps me be present and aware.
I Move Gently & Nourish My Body
I'll freely admit I haven't always been very good at this. I'm from the 80s, when "no pain, no gain" was not just a philosophy but a way of life, and I beat the crap out of my body in pursuit of perfection. It was exhausting and often physically painful to push myself as hard as I did, especially when I was also denying myself adequate nourishment so that I could meet some ridiculous standard of thinness and attractiveness.
And what that all led to was an all-or-nothing philosophy that affected my health and well-being for years. I was either going balls to the wall with fitness and food restrictions, or I was doing nothing at all. I probably don't have to mention that neither is ideal.
Several years ago, however, I stepped into a practice that made me realize that I could move my body kindly and gently and eat in ways that were nourishing, and those things sustained me instead of depleting me. It's one of the most freeing things I've ever done. Now, I move in ways that make me feel good, listen to what my body wants and respond to it, and eat foods that nourish me and support my health. It's an act of self-love, and I feel so much better for doing it.
I Stopped Doomscrolling
This started out as an act of self-preservation, but it became the ultimate act of self-care. For me, there's just nothing good to be found in the endless social media scroll. I have so much more peace (and a lot more time) since I stopped doing it a few years ago.
Related: No AM Doomscrolling + 8 Hacks I Use to Make Every Day Great
I Learn New Stuff
I'm a lifelong learner. I crave novelty and new information. So I'm always learning something new. From cozying up and streaming an informative documentary to reading a book to taking classes about all the things that interest me, spending time every day learning keeps my mind sharp and agile, and it fills my need for continued growth. Even if it's spending five minutes a day learning a language on Duolingo, I can't imagine my life without learning.
I Honor My Feelings
This seems like something that would be innate, but it isn't always. It certainly wasn't for me with my super WASPy background and 70s childhood where when you felt something negative (or positive sometimes), you shut that stuff down. Ignoring or suppressing my feelings never came naturally to me, because I have an exuberant and enthusiastic personality. But as a kid, I quickly learned to shut down any high highs or low lows because it was somehow unseemly.
Thank God I stopped doing that. If I feel something now, I don't suppress it. I sit with it. I express it in some way (often using the aforementioned creativity). I allow it. And I honor it. After all, feelings are just feelings. They exist for a reason, and it's okay to feel how we feel. I also discovered that when you allow your feelings as they arise, they're less likely to get stuck in you as they do when you suppress them. The negative ones pass through fairly quickly. The positive ones linger a little longer. And they all serve a purpose to help me know whether I'm existing within my own integrity or veering off my path, and I'm grateful for that internal guidance.
I Give Myself Grace
Whoo boy, was this a tough one. I've always been the first person to give someone else grace, but when it came to me? Nope. I would beat myself up for the smallest transgressions.
But somewhere along the way, I came to realize that I am just as deserving of the grace I give people I don't even know. And so now? I'm kind to myself. If I don't live up to an ideal I claim to hold, I have the flexibility to recognize that I'm a human being, I make mistakes, and I can choose differently moving forward. Knowing these things makes it a lot easier to forgive myself. It's a peaceful place to be, and I'm glad I realized it. It has also made me a lot more resilient, which makes life feel like less of a roller coaster.
I Shut Down Negative Self-Talk
I don't know if you're familiar with Masaru Emoto's The Hidden Messages in Water, but it's an eye-opening read. In it, Emoto gives photographic evidence of water that has been exposed to different types of thoughts and words — some negative, and some positive. After exposure, the water was frozen, and the crystals were examined under a microscope. Those that were exposed to the positive words and thoughts showed beautiful, orderly, clear structures, while those exposed to the negative stuff were muddy, disordered, and just kind of gross-looking. So if words written on paper can do that to water and the human body is 60% water, imagine what our constant negative self-talk is doing to us!
Years ago, I made a point to start paying attention to the ways I thought about and talked to myself and noticed how often I engaged in negative self-talk. And I made a big effort to change those thoughts every time I caught myself thinking them or speaking about myself negatively. At first, it took constant attention, but after years of doing it, it has become second nature. And I believe it has made a huge difference not only in my self-love and peace of mind, but also in my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical health. And even if it has none of those effects and they're just all in my mind, the truth is that it's a lot more peaceful thinking and speaking of myself gently and kindly, and that's enough for me.
Self-Kindness Is Essential
It's a little shocking to realize how mean I used to be to myself. And I have a lot of tumultuous years filled with bad decisions to prove how harmful it was. The choice to be kinder to myself is one that has played out over years, and it's something I continue to focus on and practice every day. Even if you only try one of these things (I started out with just one and worked the rest in over a few decades), chances are you'll reap the benefits. After all, you're totally worth it.
