When I was a teenager, my mom asked one question that made me want to sink into the floor. After hearing a rumor of a special promotion at Subway restaurants, she walked up to the sandwich counter, smiled warmly, and asked the cashier, "If I cluck like a chicken, can I have a free cookie?" The cashier stared at her for what seemed like an eternity and then said, "No." My sister and I, standing behind our mom, had never been so embarrassed.
What I didn't understand about that experience was the joy it probably brought my mom. After years of being embarrassed and grossed out by our kids, adolescence hands us the unique karmic opportunity to feel deep satisfaction when we do something that mortifies said children. If you haven't yet experienced that special joy, these are my favorite situations for making my kids squirm.
Ask if They Need to Use the Bathroom (in Public)
When my 17-year-old was a toddler, we stopped at a gas station on a road trip because I had to use the bathroom. As we walked into the store, he loudly announced to anyone who would listen, "Mama has to pee! Not number two, just pee. My mama has to pee!" It was totally humiliating at the time, but I've since gotten even.
I was delighted when I learned that I could similarly embarrass my kids by asking if they had to use the bathroom in earshot of other people. This started as a simple practicality on road trips, but now it's a delight. They blush and whisper to me to stop, and I feel that surge of happiness that only comes with paybacks.
Get Their Help With Gross Spills (on Yourself)
Once, I was driving my son to an evening school board meeting, and we had to grab dinner on the way. I wolfed down a Taco Bell burrito while navigating rush hour traffic and managed to spill a big glob of cheese sauce in my hair. No biggie, right? I figured I'd just clean it up when we got to the meeting.
Problem was, I couldn't see it very well. I handed my kid a napkin and asked him to wipe the cheese out of my hair. He started to do it and then gagged dramatically. Apparently, my cheese hair was the grossest thing ever. After changing a thousand of his poopy diapers, I found this deeply satisfying.
Dance in the Check-Out Line
I can't dance, and usually, this does actually stop me from trying. There's one situation, though, where it just doesn't matter how bad you are at dancing (and no, it doesn't involve tequila). Public dancing is a surefire way to totally embarrass your kids.
My mom used to do this all the time, so I can't take credit for it. It's a classic. But I've found that the ideal situation is a crowded check-out line in a store. You don't need to really bust a move either. Even just subtle swaying to the music is more than enough to send tweens and teens into a spiral of humiliation.
Related: 20 Songs With Dance Moves You Don't Need Rhythm to Rock
Incorrectly Use Gen Alpha Slang
There's almost no joy as special as rolling down the car window to tell your tween he's the "rizzler" when you drop him off at school. Same goes for using any other Gen Alpha slang, but there's an added bonus when you use it incorrectly.
Tell them their outfit is "so Ohio" or ask if they had a "Skibidi" day at school. Ask if they think the dinner you made is "sus." There's no wrong answer here because every answer is wrong.
An equally satisfying variation on this is to use your own generation's slang when talking to your kids. I'm from Gen X, so I like to break out "gnarly," "rad," and "gag me with a spoon" when I get the chance.
Be Romantic With Your Spouse
My husband and I are the normal amount of affectionate with each other — that is, until the kids are around. Then it's time for PDAs and sappy expressions. When they were babies, they really used to cramp our style and make it hard to get time together. Now, we make up for that by grossing them out with our affection.
This actually doesn't take much. A kiss on the lips is definitely enough to do it (and that's always a good thing to add into a day, anyway).
Blow a Kiss at Drop-Off
Speaking of showing affection, it's just as cringe when you show it to the kids. Bonus if you can do this in public, though. School drop-off is your window of opportunity.
I love waving to my kid when I drop him off in front of the middle school and then, horror of horrors, blowing a kiss. The look on his face is priceless. I don't do this every day because I think he would get used to it, and the joy would wear off. Instead, I just do it once every couple of weeks when he least expects it.
Show Up to Pick-Up With Music Blaring
Pick-up is another great opportunity to embarrass. On the last day of school, my husband and I like to drive together to pick up the kids. When we get up to the school building, we roll down all the windows in the car and blast Another One Bites the Dust.
Our kids have directly asked us to stop this behavior. And while I'm all for encouraging good communication and assertiveness, we don't listen in this situation. It's just way too satisfying to see them look around to see who might be watching when they get in our car.
Payback Comes With the Tween Years
Anyone who has been a parent for a few years knows that kids will find a million ways to embarrass you. From mouthing off in public to revealing your secrets to the kindergarten teacher, they're little pros. But know this: payback comes when the tween years hit. If you put in the time with the littles, you'll get so much joy from embarrassing them later.
