Hands down, the most challenging, most life-changing thing I have ever done is raise a son on the autism spectrum. Let me tell you, it's not an easy job. My work isn't done, either, even though my kid is turning 18 soon. But although my kid still has a lot to learn about living in the adult world, I've learned a lot about life from being his mom.
From how to forgive myself to how to manage my own expectations, raising a kid with special needs has taught me some major life lessons. Like all of us, I'm still getting an education on how to be a human in this world, but these are some of the big insights I've gained from my experience.
I Deserve Grace (We All Do)
As moms, a lot of us can be pretty hard on ourselves. Mom guilt is baked into our culture. In my case, there are even more ways to mess up and even more opportunities not to do enough. When my son was little, I made these long daily checklists of the therapy I needed to do with him. Some days, I couldn't get through all the tasks, and it made me feel like a failure. Then, when he got to his teen years, we had a whole lot of conflict. No matter how hard I tried not to engage with that emotionally, I somehow couldn't help it. I always felt bad for not rising above.
And then I realized something: I deserve grace. I am not always going to be as patient or productive as I want. I'm going to feel resentful sometimes or frustrated. I cut my son a lot of slack when things are challenging for him, and I need to do the same for myself. A little grace is something we all need. We're all doing our best.
I Don't Have to Ride the Competition Carousel
When my 18-year-old was a baby, I used to put on those Baby Einstein CDs to help boost his brain development. I was so proud of his intelligence (I still am). I knew my baby was the smartest, and I felt just a tiny bit superior when I compared him to other babies his age.
Then he started to miss developmental milestones. He didn't talk or walk on time, and that was only the beginning. And that feeling of superiority I had vanished. I realized there was no point in comparisons; he wasn't like other kids. That gave me a sense of freedom. I didn't have to compete, and neither did he. We're all just growing at our own pace, and this applies to everything. I don't need to have the biggest house or the best car or anything else. I just need what I need for me.
My Mental Health Has to Come First
You know how when you're on an airplane and they give you the safety briefing about how you have to put your own mask on before assisting others? I've learned that's true for parenting, too. As my son has grown up, I have learned that I don't have enough to give him if I don't take care of my own mental health. It has to be the number one priority.
I work really hard to make time for myself to exercise and create art (or even just chill). I don't consider it a luxury. It has to happen if I'm going to be a good mom. Self-care means different things for different people, but for me, it's doing what I need to do to stay reasonably sane.
Related: 7 Perfect Self-Care Hobbies & How to Find Your Bliss
I Can Adjust My Expectations to Feel Less Angst
Let me tell you, having your kid miss milestones teaches you a thing or two about your own expectations. I thought I'd learned that lesson, but then the teen years hit. What I dreamt of for my son (college or a job path he would enjoy) didn't seem to be materializing, and this caused a lot of anxiety. It still does. But it's also taught me something.
I've learned to examine my expectations and adjust them. This isn't easy to do, but it helps in a lot of situations. When I sense myself feeling resentful or disappointed about something (anything, not just as a parent), I try to stop and look at what I expected. Sometimes, I need to change what I expect.
It's not always practical or good for me to lower or adjust my expectations, so I take that into consideration when I'm examining them. In that case, I try to clearly communicate what I need.
Love Looks Different for Different People
When my son was a baby, he didn't make much eye contact or even really acknowledge my presence. Then I went on a trip for a few days while my mom watched him. When I got home, he reached out his arms to me. At 18 months, he'd never done that. He taught me that someone can love without doing it in the way we expect to see it.
Even now, my son doesn't show much affection or appreciation in the way people expect. Very rarely, he will use words to say he cares about me. But most of the time, I see it in small things like the way he needs to tell me about his day or how he quotes me to people at school. Other people are like that too — sometimes they don't show love or appreciation the way we expect to receive it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. Love looks different for everyone.
We're Never Done Learning Life Lessons
If 18 years as the mom of a kid on the autism spectrum has taught me anything, it's that you can't predict what the next phase of life will be like. There are always challenges and always things to learn. I'm not sure what the next life lessons will be, but I'm grateful for the chance to learn them.
