Retiring is a huge life milestone. Some people can't wait to say goodbye to their jobs and get started enjoying their free time, and others would work forever if they could. No matter what someone feels, it's a major life change, and there are plenty of opportunities to use a bit of sarcasm and poke some fun at the retiree. Our funny retirement quotes make light of the end of someone's working life and joke about their newly found freedom. So if you're looking to share some levity with someone retiring, these quotes can help you find the right words.
Funny Quotes to Say 'Happy Retirement'
From funny retirement one-liners to quotes you can use in toasts to celebrate leaving the workforce, the right words can make a retiree laugh. Start or end a retirement toast with one of these short phrases, add it to a card, or just pair it with a good-natured slap on the back to wish someone a happy retirement.
- Sometimes the best part of your job is retirement.
- I hope you like Saturdays because every day just became Saturday!
- When did being unemployed become something to brag about?
- Welcome to funemployment!
- We all aspire to retire, and then what?
- Congrats on not having to pretend to work anymore.
- Retirement is like one big sick day without the sick pay.
- How can you ever be sure people are happy you get to retire and not happy they finally got rid of you?
- You're never too old to retire, but you're always too old to find a new job!
- I hear retired people have a much higher death rate than working people. I wonder what that's all about?
- Wouldn't it be great if people celebrated your employment as much as they're celebrating your retirement?
Related: Retirement Songs: 63 Epic Tunes to Quit Your Job To
Funny Things to Write in a Retirement Card
Funny retirement card messages give you the chance to congratulate a friend or family member while throwing in some humor at the same time. Depending on who it is, you can tease them with sayings about their age and getting older, or joke about how they're leaving you behind in the work world. Here are some funny things to write in a retirement card that'll make them laugh every time they read it.
- Now that you're retired, you've got plenty of time to help me out with all the things I don't have time to do!
- Wait, you're leaving? I thought we were just all really excited you were getting new tires on your car!
- I hear retirement is really lonely. I hope you don't get lonely. If you do, don't call me; I'll be at work.
- I hear retirement can be really fun, but what's fun about being lazy and bored?
- Now that you're retired, you can binge-watch all those great Netflix shows! What will you do the second week?
- You've finally reached retirement age! Does that make you old or me young?
- Congrats on retiring. Hopefully, you'll put more effort into your honey-do list than you did in your job.
Funny Retirement Quotes for Coworkers
If you have a good relationship with a coworker who is retiring, you might be sad they're leaving (or that you can't retire with them). Make sure to get one last laugh with one of these funny retirement quotes.
- I hate to leave you all here, but I love the idea of me walking out the door more!
- We were sad to hear you're retiring until we realized it means one less person absentmindedly hitting "reply all" needlessly on emails.
- Your retirement is making me look bad because now there's nobody who shows up later and leaves earlier than me.
- You might be excited about retirement, but we're not throwing you a party because we realize it means we're each getting some of your work added to ours.
- Congrats on being able to love Mondays again.
- Don't be one of those boomerang retirees. Even if your job's still here, we don't want you to be miserable with us!
- We thought you were a team player, and there's no "I" in team, although there is one in "retirement."
- It's going to be so weird not seeing you every day. What's your name again?
- I'm not sure why you'd want to re-tire, we're all tired already!
- If you wake up on Monday and realize retirement isn't for you, I have two words: Walmart greeter.
Funny Retirement Sayings for Your Boss
Help your boss celebrate retirement with sarcasm and humor if they can handle it. You can get away with being a little harsh when it comes to roasting your retiring boss, but it's best when funny retirement sayings come from a place of respect. Try these funny retirement one-liners to send them off with a laugh.
- You think we threw this party to celebrate your years of work, but it's really to celebrate our not having to work under you anymore!
- I'm so sorry for your loss. No one is ever going to call you "boss" again.
- You picked a great time to retire, we were just about to start a revolt against your leadership style.
- Where will we be without our fearless leader? Oh, that's right, we'll be relaxed and happy!
- It's sad you can't even be the boss of yourself in retirement. I'm sure your partner has been looking forward to this for years.
- You worked so hard all these years to become what, a couch bum?
- When you retire do you turn into the old version of Boss Baby? Will you be wearing a suit and tie while you nap on the couch?
- I'm sorry, I thought you were already retired since we never see you doing any work!
- It must be so hard leaving us all knowing you'll actually have to do things for yourself in retirement.
Funny Retirement Messages and Wishes
Send your best wishes with these hilarious retirement messages. You can congratulate the retiree while still making them chuckle and teasing them (just a little).
- Congratulations. You've retired from your job. Too bad the next step is retiring from life!
- Working with you was a real pleasure. Let your spouse know they can use me as a reference if they have any doubts about that.
- Welcome to the next phase of life. There's no dress code, but you probably can't afford clothes anymore, anyway!
- Happy Retirement. We'll always have each other. Except you — you won't have us because you won't be in the office.
- Congratulations on retiring! I couldn't be happier, unless, of course, I was the one retiring. But I'm still happy-ish for you.
- Congratulations on deciding life is more important than work. What took you so long?
- Happy end of everything you've worked your whole life for...wait, why are you retiring?
Hilarious Famous Retirement Quotes
You can count on your favorite movies and TV shows to provide the best humorous quotes about retirement. Add some lighthearted sarcasm and entertaining tidbits by drawing on famous retirement quotes and sayings from comedic characters, Marvel heroes, favorite reality stars, and more.
- Bowery King: "You're not very good at retiring. "John Wick: "I'm workin' on it." - John Wick: Chapter 2
- "I'm going to retire, withdraw from public life, and become a hermit crab." - Derek Zoolander, Zoolander 2
- "I've seen people get old, retire, and die. Rarely on the same day." - Kaulder, The Last Witch Hunter
- "I retire for what, like, five minutes, and it all goes to sh*$." - Hawkeye, Captain America: Civil War
- "I'm what you might call retired. It's a refined name for bum." - Danny McGuire, Xanadu
- "My dad's the type that would die six months after retiring, so I plan to have him work here forever." - Rick Harrison, Pawn Stars interview
Entertaining Retirement Jokes and One-Liners
You can't go wrong with a good retirement joke. Make the retiree laugh with a clever quip about life after they've finished their career. Funny retirement jokes and quotes add some well-meaning lightness and laughter to a retirement party, post-retirement dinner, or another event that celebrates this new chapter in the person's life. It can also be fun to have a joke or witty one-liner tucked away to whip out in conversation.
- Retirement: It's not the end of your life, it's the end of your bank account!
- If I've learned one thing from some of the most successful people in life it's this: Don't come out of retirement; if it didn't work for Brett Favre, it can't work for anyone.
- Retirement isn't that different from work; you still get to use sheets, visit docs, and steal other people's food out of the fridge.
- Retirement sounds like fun, until you realize you're too old, too broke, and too tired to leave the couch.
- What do most people gain after retirement? It would be great to say peace and relaxation, but it's usually a few extra pounds!
- Friend: What are your travel plans after retirement? Retiree: It's all mapped out; there's a route from the bed to the couch to the fridge — and back again.
Witty Retirement Advice
Maybe you think your friend, family member, or co-worker who's retiring could use a few words of advice now that they're ready for retirement living. There's some great advice out there on what not to do when you retire, but you can make it funny with some entertaining ideas and suggestions on what they should be doing. They may not take your funny retirement advice — but it might just make them laugh!
- You're going to have a lot to get rid of now that you're retired. You can start with the alarm clock!
- If you're looking for something to do now that you're retired, feel free to mow the lawn any time.
- How do you get used to retirement? Just pretend it's Saturday, every day.
- Swap your early morning meeting for a mid-morning tee time. Now you can say you're retired.
- Join all the groups, clubs, and volunteer organizations you never had time for when you were working. You'll be just as busy as ever; you just won't be getting paid for it.
- You may be tempted to give your work wardrobe to charity now that you're retired. Go shopping first, or you may end up with nothing to wear!
- When people ask what you've been doing since retirement, make up something interesting. No one wants to hear about your afternoon nap.
Don't Retire Your Jokes
Much of life and your general identity comes from your career, so retiring is a funny notion in itself that signals the true end of an era. Retirees are beginning an entirely new phase of life where they get to do whatever they want, whenever they want. No more time sheets, no more water cooler small talk, no more missing out on life for work. If someone you know is retiring, help them celebrate all the free time they are about to have. Keep the funny retirement quotes, jokes, and retirement poems coming to remind your favorite retiree to have fun in their retirement.
